- - you wore me out ; lucy's blog

for some reason today has been really.. really hard. idk what i took... MDMA.. meth.. fuck it i have no clue. there was this dude outside of the club tonight handing out pills to the girls and i snatched that shit up. i was doing my normal thing and this fat italian man kept trying to put his hands on me and i was like "dude, no touching!" and then jake noticed and got all buck about it. i sure love that guy, in a completely platonic way of course. he's saved my life a few times.

but like the whole reason i took the pills was because i've been thinking about my kids a lot lately. like a lot a lot. i miss abby and john so much. i want to go see them but i know that no one will talk to me. no one would even look at me. they'd run. that's what we were trained to do is to run from people who have been shunned. and i can't fucking tell anyone because no one understands what i'm going through! i have yet to meet another shunned amish person, yet alone someone who has kids.

i feel so alone in the world and it sucks because i know so many people and so many people know me. but no one really knows me and everything i've been with. i've never told anyone how he used to put his hands on me. and when the kids were napping and he was outside working i would curl up and sob and sob. i'd cry so hard there were so many times i thought i was going to pass out from the lack of air. and i've never told anyone this. sometimes when i get really high i turn my shower on cold and sit in the tub and just cry. i hate myself for leaving them but i know he loves our children, i know he wouldn't hurt them. i was just some girl.

and what pisses me off is that my own fucking parents told me to get over it.. HOW CAN YOU GET OVER SOMEONE BEATING YOU? YOU CAN'T! i still flinch when people lurch at me or when someone touches my arm wrong. i think that fucking overweight piece of shit guy is what really caused all this. i can't do this. i'm just gonna give up.

xoxo
Lucy