Post by Deleted on Apr 19, 2013 15:22:49 GMT -6
[/size][/blockquote]New this. New that. Everything here was new. It was always changing. The staff. The patients. Everything. It drove Jax insane. He hated how everything changed. Just as he got used to something, something else would change to make him wary. He was certain he would never feel comfortable in this place.
Having someone watch over him all the time didn't help, either. He knew everyone--at least everyone on the staff and probably most of the patients--knew why he was here. But he still felt like he had to hide it. Hide all his imperfections, pretend he was completely fine. Something wrong with him? No! Nothing. He was fine. Perfectly whole in mind and body.
He hated lying to himself like that. Tugging his hoodie sleeves down, he hunched his shoulders, drawing himself inward. Going to a new therapist was like sending a one-year-old to the dentist for the first time. Terrifying, unsettling, and all manner of uncomfortable. This was the fourth or fifth therapist Jax had been assigned at Caulton. He'd stopped caring after the second one. His supervisor--who was really a jailer, in Jax's mind--was leading him to his new therapist.
The urge to turn and run was almost overwhelming. The longer they walked, the faster his heart beat. The more clammy his hands got. The harder he bit his lip. Unconsciously he had slowed down, hands digging deeper into the pockets of the hoodie. Eyes shifting downward, Jax refused to look up as they walked. He just followed the sound of the supervisor's footsteps, hoping he didn't smack into a wall or an open door. At the same time, he almost hoped that would happen. Perhaps if he was injured badly enough, he wouldn't have to go.
No such luck. Jax stopped moving when the supervisor did, glancing up from beneath his fringe to look at the door. His arms started shaking, his hands clenching into fists and his nails digging into his skins. He didn't want to do this. No more therapists. No more talking about what was wrong with him. He knew he was fucked up, that he'd probably always be fucked up. He'd die eventually, and then it wouldn't matter any more, right? Why didn't they just leave him to die? Like his mom had...
The supervisor opened the door and gestured for him to go inside. His feet suddenly weighed a thousand pounds, his simple Converse feeling more like iron boots. Cold chains held him to the floor, making him shiver and hunch up even more. The supervisor's hand on his back giving him a gentle nudge forward felt like she was shoving him off a cliff. Somehow his feet moved forward, the imaginary chains holding him in place breaking but leaving behind their chill.
His gaze dropped again as he trudged his way into the room, arms still trembling. He knew he was going to end up with marks from his nails on his palms, but he didn't care. The thought was a little calming, actually. The dull pain was almost--almost--enough to relax him just a little. But not quite. He didn't look up as the door closed behind him, refusing to go more than three feet into the room.